Communication Between Parents During and After the Divorce

Goals:

Provide a healthy, secure environment for children to help them adjust to changes in their lives before, during and after the divorce.
Help parents keep the welfare of their children as a top priority during and after a divorce.
Protect children from exposure to stressful, negative emotional scenes.

The two to three months after the separation are the period when the couple’s relationship moves to a co-parenting one. The goal is to use communication and cooperation that keeps the children in a conflict-free zone where they are not exposed to strife or anger between parents. The following guidelines are intended to help with this transition.

Face-to-face, telephone and voice mail communications

Try to speak to the other parent with the same respect you show to a business colleague whose business you want to keep, even when there has been a severe disagreement.
Set firm boundaries around communications about the children: when you are talking about them, do not allow the conversation to go into other subjects, especially emotionally-charged subjects where you and the other parent disagree.
Communicate about plans for the present and the immediate future of the children.
Avoid bringing up the past in a way that is provocative.
Make only promises and commitments you plan to keep.
Do not criticize the other person or allow your children to overhear others do so, even when you are provoked.
If the discussion gets heated, suggest continuing it later; calmly end the conversation.
Try to respect the other person’s schedule at work and with the children and postpone discussions to times when his or her attention is not divided.
Stick to the subject at hand. For telephone and voice-mail, it helps to write down what you plan to say, keep the notes in front of you and stick to the notes.

E-mail and Texts

Unlike telephone calls, e-mails and texts have certain benefits: you cannot hear the tone of the other person’s voice; you can postpone responding until you feel ready to communicate in a calm, reasonable way and you both have a record of what was said.
Do not expect the other parent to respond on a same-day basis unless a decision about the children cannot be postponed until the following day.
When communicating about children, don’t include other subjects in the same e-mail.
If you are upset with your ex-spouse and your feelings might spill over in the e-mail or text, wait until you have calmed down, write what you want to say, then click Save. Later, re-read and edit the document before you send it.
Do not use e-mails or texts to your ex-spouse as documents that you intend to use in litigation.
Do not forward your ex-spouse’s emails and texts about the children to others without his/her knowledge.